Monday, October 29, 2007

Are you kidding me?
Current mood: infuriated
Category: Parties and Nightlife
K, so I just finished watching the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters. I’ve got a headache from holding in my tears till the ball dropped! In this episode, one of the sisters is getting a divorce, and in the middle of custody nastiness. She finds out that her ex husband has been going for primary custody, completely unbeknownst to her and her lawyer. Her daughter, who is probably 9ish, is just sick with the idea of leaving her mom. At the end of the episode, the ex comes and picks them up to take them to live with him, and this mother is completely torn up inside, while encouraging her kids that they will have such a good time with their daddy. As soon as the door shuts behind them, the mother just falls to the ground, a complete and total mess, of course. That’s when I finally let the tears fall…

So? Why the heck did you just replay a stupid television show? I’ll tell you why. For crying out loud, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN WHEN YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went through my parent’s divorce when I was 10. It sucked. It was horrible. I still remember being asked who I wanted to live with, Mom or Dad? Who asks a 10 year old that question? How am I supposed to choose between my parents? It was an atrocious position to be put in. From there, I went on to be physically and sexually used and abused – to the point of being “rented out” by my evil step-mother to disgusting men (and women) who lived in filth and had the smell of cheap beer on their breath. I went through so much crap as a child…and my parents were totally clueless. And actually, still are.

How do you allow your child to even go into another woman’s home for an extended period of time? Especially someone you have only met for a few minutes during exchanging of the children at the halfway point? Sick. If you have any doubts whatsoever about the kind of parent your “boyfriend” will be, GET OUT NOW. Don’t be so naive as to think that they will become responsible and loving just because they are with you. It doesn’t happen that way.

I cannot, in a million years, even fathom fighting over custody of my kids. Then to have someone legally take them out of my home, away from me?? Never. Life isn’t about how we feel today…it’s about the legacy we want to leave behind. Your legacy is your children, and your children’s children. Do you really want to leave behind the fact that you wasted your life with some loser you met in a bar, that lied to you and cheated on you and walked all over you as though you weren’t in existence? Come on! Use your head! You don’t find good husbands and loving fathers in places like that. Think about your future children, because they will come, and before you know it, they will be old enough to feel the impact of your foolish decisions.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

ya think?
Current mood: nauseated
Category: Life
Silly Binky. It’s all in the cheeks! Are you so desperate for attention that you’ll risk a lifetime of love for a moment of pleasure? Oh, she’s sleeping…oops, not anymore! I was just warming up…what are you looking at? Heavy on the chocolate syrup. The magic’s gone. Lullabys are a proven method to soothing babies. Rock a bye, baby, the cradle will rock. Thanks for your help. I should go now. I’m moving to Australia. We have to go back to China. Maybe I could get my special power back. Or, I could get a new one! If I want to do something right, I just do the opposite of what he does. Peek-a-boo! You can’t marry potential. Well, you can, but potential is never present tense – and wouldn’t that suck? Every single day of your life is personally gift wrapped and given to you by God – do you accept the gift with graciousness and gratitude, or do you squander it away as though it never existed? Curious George. Nothing lasts longer than eternity. Is your eternity secure? Or are you hoping for the best while preparing for the worst? Whatever. Oh, man, he sunk. And he’s pooped. Never mind the tan line. Like a monkey to skiing. Oh, there he goes. Poor guy. Hmmm…..
Currently watching:
Curious George Takes a Job and More Monkey Business
Release date: 28 August, 2007

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

lost and afraid
Current mood: weird
Category: Writing and Poetry
She wanders through her day, not caring where it may take her. She listens to the voices, while begging them, pleading with them, to shut up. Suddenly, she feels claustrophobic and distanced, simultaneously. She continues to fear her past, her hurt, her neglect, her abandonment and her tears. She wants to cry, but doesn’t know how. No one is there to hold her anyway. If they were, she would push them far away before begging for refuge. Again, the voices…the constant and calling voices. Much too familiar, yet so completely frightening. They live in her head, and refuse to move out. They strangle her heart, while clawing at her soul. She knows darkness-all too well. She knows she can’t stay here. She knows the potential danger of giving in to what they propose. She cares not. Not enough to try. Not enough to linger in the light provided her. Provision of God. Power of Christ. Presence of Spirit. She wants to, needs to, longs to cry and be consoled! She misses what she never had. How do you give love when you never received it? How do you share what you don’t own? How can I take my history and change it forever? She cares not.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

What’s love got to do with it?
Current mood: relieved
Category: Romance and Relationships
What are we to do? Where are we to go? When you feel so overwhelmed by love, life and the pursuit of it all? I’m so stuck right now…in some sort of time continuum, watching my life from the outside in, circling circling. I am beginning to deflate under the pressure of life…my wonderful and amazing life. As I crunched numbers ALL DAY I felt so inadequate and weak. Weak from constantly trying to play catch up. Inadequate because I feel that Jeremy deserves so much better than I–in a wife and a bookeeper. He races all over, literally holding our family financially afloat, while I ride in the life boat trying to steer through the dense wet fog. Just when I am confident and relieved to have found land, upon closer investigation the mass is really a sharp, cold and massive rock; just sitting there awaiting my arrival. Jeremy can’t see where we’re going…his job is to get us there. My job is to steer…steer our business, steer our financial decisions, steer our children, and steer our home. All while attempting to make my way through the thick cloud and avoid the cutting reality of sharp rocks. I get frustrated, I feel lonely, I fight the voices and I thank God as often as I remember to. Thank Him that I am indeed riding in the life boat. Thank Him for blessing me with a man who will hold us up, no matter how much or how often the waves swell. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be cared for–in spite of me pushing to care for myself. I thank God that I am writing this possibly meaningless blog, while my husband is out slaying dragons for me. And I am especially thankful that my man would indeed swim across shark infested waters to bring me a Diet Dr Pepper.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

PMS sucks…
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
I know, again with the blogging. If you don’t want to read, close your eyes!

I’ve discovered something. Quite profound, actually. Near Pulitzer Prize Winning. Nearly…

You know how we chics have our monthly cycle, and it cleanses our bodies and prepares our uteruses for pregnancy? Well, I’ve figured out that PMS does the same thing. I think it cleanses our emotional beings and prepares us for the upcoming 28 days – whatever life holds for us.

I am so not a crier, but man, this morning, I couldn’t stop the well. We’re talking Niagara Falls, right here in my bathroom. Everything seemed so big, so sad, so frightening, so pointless, so wrong, so oh-my-gosh-I-want-to-strangle-my-husband-and-send-the-kids-to-border-school. Things I had been mulling over, thinking about, planning, organizing, praying for came to a screeching halt, or at least a major stall. All of the sudden…

I missed Deb so badly, I was ready to pack up the kids and go see her this weekend. I had it all going in my head, when I would leave, when I would return, what I would bring for the kids, songs for Andi to experiment with, the wonderful hug hello and the crappy hug goodbye. Oh, and sledding. Maybe skiing? Oh, I don’t have any money, scratch the skiing. Oh, crap! I have to sing a special at church this Sunday! I can’t go! (I don’t know that I would’ve been able to anyway, but my spirit was sure into it.)

Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks (which someone at some point in time had to experience in order for the phrase to be coined…ouch!). Shell is moving! Are you kidding me? She’s seriously moving, at it will be back to phone calls, emails, IMs and a visit, maybe two a year, if we’re both lucky and rich, instead of only 4 hours away from each other! I have completely taken advantage of the fact that she’s right here, available anytime, in person. We get to just completely hang out, like we always thought we would back when we were in college and daydreaming about living next door to each other for the rest of our lives. And I can’t see her kids grow up? What the crap am I supposed to do about that? That sucks! I hate that! I actually got to see Carst when he was a brand-spankin’ new baby at the hospital. I got to see him dedicated into the church! I watched Ro grow up from a toddler to a 4 1/2 year old girl! Ready for kindergarten this fall! What? I have to give that up? Ro and Caedmon actually know each other! They are the best of friends! Not right…

Then, in the shower, I hear the 2 am song. I can’t think of her name, but you know what I’m talking about. Anytime I hear that, I instantly think of Mandie. She played and sang that song, and was just as good, if not better than the chic that recorded it. So, in the midst of my massive PMS breakdown, here comes that dang song, and I missed Mandie so much I couldn’t stand it. Not the living here part, ‘cuz she was never home anyway. But our friendship. Our partnership in worship leading. Her Kip impersonations. Her great story-telling. Hearing her sing and play her own songs that she wrote and you could tell, because she had such passion behind them. Her instant attitude-of-the-room makeover when she would come through the door – any door. I thought, “How on earth am I supposed to lead worship without her? Right now, I feel as though my passion left right along with her.” We meshed so well. We’ve been leading worship together for, goodness, over 4 years? Most of that just she and I. Sharing something as intimate and passionate as worshipping our God and Savior is huge. You don’t get that kind of closeness with many people. We worked so well together, both of us on the same page, with the same intent – to provide a meaningful, intimate, personal, focused and relevant worship experience to the people of Golden Prairie. With God’s blessing, I feel we were able to accomplish that. Now what? I feel lonely without her. I feel like my right arm was severed, and I’m left one handed to make what God intends me to.

Then, I thought, “Holy Cow, thank God for Gini. If it weren’t for her, I would be so completely alone right now.” Then where does my PMSing brain take me? To the fact that eventually, they’re going to move! No more 5 miles away, I could walk if I wanted to (I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to). Out here, 5 miles is like a couple of blocks for you city folk. It’s unheard of to live so close to people you actually hang out with! Will I see Hogan as often? Oh, and what about Cooper, their new one? Hogan won’t be able to yell “Caedmon!” as he passes our house on the highway, because they won’t be using that highway anymore! Crap!

Finally, my husband calmed me down. Of course, I made our first conversation a living nightmare, but he figured me out, and gave me a chill pill. Thank God for a husband who recognizes PMS way before I do, and doesn’t hold it against me (forever). Love you, babe. (By the way, we just had our 10 year anniversary! We got a gun to celebrate the occasion. A 30-06. What does that tell you? 🙂 .)

I went to Bible Study for the first time in 5 months? I hadn’t gone last semester because I couldn’t stand the thought of socializing, especially on a somewhat personal level. For me, studying God’s word, discovering how it applies to our lives and going out and living it is pretty darn personal. I just didn’t want to do it! So, again, I didn’t want to go today, but made myself. I hated every minute of it. I just do not want to be around other women right now! Unless they’re close friends, then that’s great. Back in September, I was on the way home from Denver with two other ladies (who are great), and I got way to comfortable with them, and became way to vulnerable. I said things about myself that I shouldn’t have – things I hadn’t even expressed to my husband or my best friends. Ever since then, I do not want to let my guard down again. No. Thank. You. Dumb, I know, but mine regardless.

As subtly implied 39 pages back, PMS might be a blessing in disguise. I get out all of those crazy emotions that I’m to busy or unwilling to address the 28 days prior. Who knew?????????? (Someone call the N.O.W. and let them in on the news, ok? I’m probably to pissy to do it myself, and I surely wouldn’t want to incite a riot…)
Currently reading:
Fancy Nancy
By Jane O’Connor

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Accountability
Current mood: productive
Category: Friends
For the past couple of months, I’ve struggled with the idea and concept of accountability. I’ve always been the kind of friend to lay it on the line, cut to the punch, and try to separate feeling from fact. Oh, trust me, it’s gotten me in trouble a time or two. In fact, I’ve lost a couple of very close friends because of it. One friend of mine left her husband and four kids for a twenty-some year old “man”, and I confronted her about the reality of the choices she was making, and the effect it was going to have on her children and the rest of her life. I’ve chatted with her a couple of times since then, but it’s been several years since there has been any contact. She cut herself off to the point that I don’t even know her new last name.

Do I miss her? Very much. In fact, still, some 8 or 9 years later, I will find myself missing her so much there will be tears in my eyes and a hollow feeling in my gut. Do I regret what I did? Not at all.

God has called us as Christians and followers of His Son to speak truth into the lives of those we love. A lot of times, the truth sucks to hear and the truth sucks to be made known. But, bottom line…truth is still Truth. That is what makes it so sacred and so, well, true. Nothing can tamper with the truth. It is the antithesis of falsehood, and lies cannot penetrate truth no matter how hard we try to allow it to, according to our convenience.

The reason I’ve struggled with this concept these past couple of months is because again, I have opened my big mouth and spoken truth to a friend of mine. Before opening said mouth, though, I opened my heart and mind to what God was telling me to do. It was something I had been in, what seemed, constant prayer for. I didn’t want to damage the friendship, and more importantly, I wanted to see Christ as the center of her life once again. Unfortunately, the friendship was damaged, and pretty badly. I don’t know what’s going on with her relationship with Christ, and it’s possible I never will.

Do I miss her? Very much. Do I regret what I did? Not at all. It bites to be on this side of the fence, wondering what’s going on in her life, wondering if she’s making God-centered decisions, and praying for Godly sacrifice of this world and all of the things associated with it. I hate the fact that I was the one who hurt her, but I’m thankful that I was at least one of those who God has chosen to speak the truth into her life.

I believe very firmly in my heart, in my mind and in my gut that I did what was expected of me. Every single day since then, God has reminded me in black and white that we are to hold each other accountable to His Word. He has told me through sermons, scripture, billboards, blogs and the spoken word that we are responsible for keeping our friends accountable, whether they think they need it or not.

“You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with this world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again, that if your aim is to enjoy this world, you can’t be a friend of God.” James 4:4
Don’t be afraid to speak God’s truth. Even when it hurts to do so. Even when your heart breaks, knowing you put a wall between you and a loved one. God is so much bigger than any wall could ever be…
Happy are people of integrity, who follow the law of the Lord. Happy are those who obey His decrees and search for Him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in His paths. You have charged us to keep your commandments carefully. Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your principles! Then I will not be disgraced when I compare my life with your commands. When I learn your righteous laws, I will thank you by living as I should! I will obey your principles. Please don’t give up on me! How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word and following its rules. Psalm 119:1-9

Currently watching:
The Legend of Frosty the Snowman Collection: Frosty the Snowman/Frosty Returns/The Legend of Frosty the

Friday, November 17, 2006

what if…
Current mood: curious
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

What if we treated our husbands the way we treat our best friends?

What if we took our husband out to lunch just because?

What if we consoled our husband when he’s had a bad day?

What if we called our husband just to let him know we were thinking of him?

What if we gave our husband sex like we give our friends our time?

What if we did favors for our husband without being asked?

What if we made it a point to just hang out with our husband?

What if we told our husband we love him whenever we think of him?

What if we did everything in our power to make our husband feel special?

What if we made our husband a priority over our kids and our best friends?

What if? What do you think? We would have happy husbands (which translates into a happy marriages, happy children, and a world no longer torn apart by divorce and adultery)…remember “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? The mother tells her daughter, “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck – and we can turn that head any way we want to.”

We, ladies, hold the power to determine what kind of home we live in and tend to. We have the power to determine how our husbands treat us and feel for us.

Currently listening:
Come Away with Me
By Norah Jones
Rel

Saturday, October 07, 2006

what if…
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Friends

What if we treated our best friends the way we treat our husbands?

What if we told our best friends when they came to visit it was their turn to watch the kids?

What if we only called our best friends when we wanted something from them?

What if we didn’t like our best friends to hang out with other friends?

What if we waited till our best friends came over, then informed them they were cooking dinner?

What if we told our best friends they don’t take care of their kids the way we think their kids should be cared for?

What if we didn’t pick up the house before our best friends came over to hang out after work – then told them how tired we were and could they please vacuum?

What if we spent all of our time alone with our best friends watching TV, reading a book, or surfing the internet?

What if we always got upset with our best friends when they don’t behave the way we want them to?

What if we called our best friends names?

What if we seldom told our best friends how much we appreciate and love them?

What if??? What do you think? We wouldn’t have any best friends…

Currently listening:
Anything Worth Saying
By Aaron Shust
R

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Wonderland and all it’s wonders…
Current mood:Rescued once again…
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I feel sometimes as though I’m in a cage, or a prison. The bondage is in my mind and the key is within reach, but just. Sometimes my arms are so heavy I can’t bear to lift and stretch in order to free myself. The last two months, I have condemned my heart and mind to living (not just visiting) in that hell hole called depression.

I know how to get out of my funk. In fact, I feel sometimes as though I know how to get into that funk. But once I’m there, I have no interest in leaving. I’m like the annoying uncle that doesn’t know how to sense he’s worn out his welcome. I just keep digging deeper and deeper, hoping to find some semblance of normalcy in my thought process. When I see very little is normal, I talk myself into believing that I’m losing my mind, that I’m not a healthy person, that my husband, kids and friends would be better off without dealing with my crap and my crappy attitude.

I don’t know of many life circumstances that do in fact hand out a money-back guarantee at the door. I know of a few that swindle you into buying that extended warranty under the guise that it will protect you from future and inevitable harm. Of course, it never does. The fine print always reveals the honest intent of the warranty–to validate the building of brick walls; only to find out your spirit is not made of brick. It’s composed of flesh and love and hurt and pain and trust and sacrificial thankfulness-all woven into one single gate that is open and available to enter in. But the choice is ours…do we enter in? Or do we stand outside, longing for the promise of self-worth that is never found in ourselves?

I am choosing, with the help of the Holy Spirit and some very wonderful serving friends, to enter into His presence, no longer depending on my feelings of worth, or depending on my own self.

~~~~I am choosing His JOY, for it is my strength.~~~~

You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant.

Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Psalm 86:15-17
Currently listening:
Jordan’s Sister
By Kendall Payne
Rel

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

God is good, God is great, thank you God for my plate…
Category: Life

Today has been one heckuva day.

It all began yesterday with a pretty nice sized land payment being due in 2 weeks instead of 2 months – but wait!!! It got soooo much more dramatic at 3am when Jeremy called to talk to me about the fact that he had left his clipboard (which held his fuel money) at the sale barn, and yes, it could not be found anywhere. He called the sheriff, they couldn’t find it either. They talked to all of the employees, but “of course” no one knew what clipboard he was talking about!

Both of these events turned very quickly into a $10,000.00 emergency. Jeremy was up most of the night driving, so of course he was doing some major praying. I had been woken up twice, so I decided I might as well stay awake for a while and petition God.

Miracle!!!! No, we still don’t have the money. We even tried to get a loan from our Credit Union, and because of our nasty credit (remember the tire shop?) they couldn’t help us. So still, we sit at the feet of a massive amount of money due ASAP. But, as I said, MIRACLE!!!! God is good, and I’m not sure how I can sanely say this, but I do thank him for what’s on our plate. Jeremy and I have learned that money holds no value to us, and all we do with it is try to make the math work. That’s all it is…a grown up math problem. Sure, we’re gonna have vendors very upset with us, but they will have to get glad as quick as they get mad, because no money will be coming their way this month. We’ve got a roof over our heads, lights, heat, food and each other…that will be all that our money will be providing this September of 2006.

Oh, the miracle? The fact that we are at peace with where God has led us. The fact that we could come to a decision without argument, crying, fighting or even disagreeing.

God is good and God is surely great…and he puts a lot on our plate. Thanks.