Saturday, September 30, 2006

Wonderland and all it’s wonders…
Current mood:Rescued once again…
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I feel sometimes as though I’m in a cage, or a prison. The bondage is in my mind and the key is within reach, but just. Sometimes my arms are so heavy I can’t bear to lift and stretch in order to free myself. The last two months, I have condemned my heart and mind to living (not just visiting) in that hell hole called depression.

I know how to get out of my funk. In fact, I feel sometimes as though I know how to get into that funk. But once I’m there, I have no interest in leaving. I’m like the annoying uncle that doesn’t know how to sense he’s worn out his welcome. I just keep digging deeper and deeper, hoping to find some semblance of normalcy in my thought process. When I see very little is normal, I talk myself into believing that I’m losing my mind, that I’m not a healthy person, that my husband, kids and friends would be better off without dealing with my crap and my crappy attitude.

I don’t know of many life circumstances that do in fact hand out a money-back guarantee at the door. I know of a few that swindle you into buying that extended warranty under the guise that it will protect you from future and inevitable harm. Of course, it never does. The fine print always reveals the honest intent of the warranty–to validate the building of brick walls; only to find out your spirit is not made of brick. It’s composed of flesh and love and hurt and pain and trust and sacrificial thankfulness-all woven into one single gate that is open and available to enter in. But the choice is ours…do we enter in? Or do we stand outside, longing for the promise of self-worth that is never found in ourselves?

I am choosing, with the help of the Holy Spirit and some very wonderful serving friends, to enter into His presence, no longer depending on my feelings of worth, or depending on my own self.

~~~~I am choosing His JOY, for it is my strength.~~~~

You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant.

Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Psalm 86:15-17
Currently listening:
Jordan’s Sister
By Kendall Payne

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