What do you know?

Up and down.  Backward and forward.  In and out.  Happy and sad.  Push and pull.  Run and hide.

A couple of weeks ago, my bff and my sister plotted and schemed to get me out of my funk, get my ass out of bed and get on with my life.  It sounds like they were horribly mean and insensitive, but this is my summation, not their words.  It was my mantra the entire week I had their energy and steam to operate on.  I got out of my funk, got my ass out of bed and got on with my life – for 6 whole days.  I crashed on Day 7 and haven’t been able to do a single productive thing since.

“Haven’t been able to” really means I’ve chosen not to.  I feel like crap and know it’s all in my mind.  I’m tired.  I can’t get to sleep at night.  I’ve got random nerve pain throughout my entire body.  My muscles are so sore.  I’ve almost always got a headache.  Anxiety sometimes swallows me whole.  I’m lazy.  I’m overweight.  I’m pretty damn useless right now.

I can’t talk about Jeremy without crying.  Even if it’s just a simple “your dad would love this” moment.  I’ve tried several times to order his headstone; each phone call ushers in tears and and the hollow pain that burns inside with the weight of his memory.  I decided today I would finally take care of that monkey on my back, and I am.  But dammit!, not without death’s sting.  Where, O death, is your sting?  In every freaking room of this house, that’s where.  In every crevice of our lives, every box that’s checked ‘widowed’ instead of ‘married’, every permission slip that forgoes Dad’s name, every picture that is now proof of our past, every decision as a mom without a dad, a wife without a husband, a life without a reason.  

Sounds cryptic, I know.  Unaware or uncaring of Christ’s love and purpose that is my life, ungrateful for obvious blessings through this shitstorm and very unlike my attitude throughout this entire ordeal, I know.   I know, I know, I know.

God forgive me, I know.

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5 thoughts on “What do you know?

  1. I know those days all to well. Working for Tyler has forced me to be productive when I would love to bury my head and stay in the covers…did you get it ordered? Tyler and I went together and if you need a helping/ready eyed friend I will be there in a heartbeat! I think Bentleys/ours is as perfect as a 3 year old and their 34 year old living parents could be. (1 headstone)

  2. My friend just let yourself be sad let yourself be a lump let yourself feel what you feel. There is no time limit. You will do what you need to do when you need to do it………until something comes up I say give yourself a break and just coast until you don’t feel like coasting anymore…. Hugs to you girl my heart hurts because of the tremendous hurt you are in I can’t even fathom how bad it is but I do send you peaceful thought and good vibes.

  3. I too know those feelings all to well.. Your life will never go back to the way it was but I can assure you that someday a new normal will start to develop. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Don’t look too far into the future just take each day as it comes. One day at a time my friend is all you can do. Just know that I am here if you ever need to talk, yell, vent, or whatever..

  4. My heart aches for you. Especially because of your final cry. God does not need to forgive you for there is nothing to forgive as you exist through these days of grief. When I journeyed my own path I discovered that it’s okay to be angry with Him. He is the One who can take whatever you throw at Him and He loves you … anyway. You may not be able to feel that at the moment. You may not be able to feel anything but pain. But that’s okay too. Because He is with you even in this. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Accept the help others offer you. And know that God loves you more than you can ever know. There is life after death – for the loved one who dies, and for those who survive. You will find it in your time – in God’s time. May He bless you gently with His comfort and an awareness of His love and presence at this time.

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