Thursday, January 11, 2007
Current mood: tired
I know, again with the blogging. If you don’t want to read, close your eyes!
I’ve discovered something. Quite profound, actually. Near Pulitzer Prize Winning. Nearly…
You know how we chics have our monthly cycle, and it cleanses our bodies and prepares our uteruses for pregnancy? Well, I’ve figured out that PMS does the same thing. I think it cleanses our emotional beings and prepares us for the upcoming 28 days – whatever life holds for us.
I am so not a crier, but man, this morning, I couldn’t stop the well. We’re talking Niagara Falls, right here in my bathroom. Everything seemed so big, so sad, so frightening, so pointless, so wrong, so oh-my-gosh-I-want-to-strangle-my-husband-and-send-the-kids-to-border-school. Things I had been mulling over, thinking about, planning, organizing, praying for came to a screeching halt, or at least a major stall. All of the sudden…
I missed Deb so badly, I was ready to pack up the kids and go see her this weekend. I had it all going in my head, when I would leave, when I would return, what I would bring for the kids, songs for Andi to experiment with, the wonderful hug hello and the crappy hug goodbye. Oh, and sledding. Maybe skiing? Oh, I don’t have any money, scratch the skiing. Oh, crap! I have to sing a special at church this Sunday! I can’t go! (I don’t know that I would’ve been able to anyway, but my spirit was sure into it.)
Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks (which someone at some point in time had to experience in order for the phrase to be coined…ouch!). Shell is moving! Are you kidding me? She’s seriously moving, at it will be back to phone calls, emails, IMs and a visit, maybe two a year, if we’re both lucky and rich, instead of only 4 hours away from each other! I have completely taken advantage of the fact that she’s right here, available anytime, in person. We get to just completely hang out, like we always thought we would back when we were in college and daydreaming about living next door to each other for the rest of our lives. And I can’t see her kids grow up? What the crap am I supposed to do about that? That sucks! I hate that! I actually got to see Carst when he was a brand-spankin’ new baby at the hospital. I got to see him dedicated into the church! I watched Ro grow up from a toddler to a 4 1/2 year old girl! Ready for kindergarten this fall! What? I have to give that up? Ro and Caedmon actually know each other! They are the best of friends! Not right…
Then, in the shower, I hear the 2 am song. I can’t think of her name, but you know what I’m talking about. Anytime I hear that, I instantly think of Mandie. She played and sang that song, and was just as good, if not better than the chic that recorded it. So, in the midst of my massive PMS breakdown, here comes that dang song, and I missed Mandie so much I couldn’t stand it. Not the living here part, ‘cuz she was never home anyway. But our friendship. Our partnership in worship leading. Her Kip impersonations. Her great story-telling. Hearing her sing and play her own songs that she wrote and you could tell, because she had such passion behind them. Her instant attitude-of-the-room makeover when she would come through the door – any door. I thought, “How on earth am I supposed to lead worship without her? Right now, I feel as though my passion left right along with her.” We meshed so well. We’ve been leading worship together for, goodness, over 4 years? Most of that just she and I. Sharing something as intimate and passionate as worshipping our God and Savior is huge. You don’t get that kind of closeness with many people. We worked so well together, both of us on the same page, with the same intent – to provide a meaningful, intimate, personal, focused and relevant worship experience to the people of Golden Prairie. With God’s blessing, I feel we were able to accomplish that. Now what? I feel lonely without her. I feel like my right arm was severed, and I’m left one handed to make what God intends me to.
Then, I thought, “Holy Cow, thank God for Gini. If it weren’t for her, I would be so completely alone right now.” Then where does my PMSing brain take me? To the fact that eventually, they’re going to move! No more 5 miles away, I could walk if I wanted to (I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to). Out here, 5 miles is like a couple of blocks for you city folk. It’s unheard of to live so close to people you actually hang out with! Will I see Hogan as often? Oh, and what about Cooper, their new one? Hogan won’t be able to yell “Caedmon!” as he passes our house on the highway, because they won’t be using that highway anymore! Crap!
Finally, my husband calmed me down. Of course, I made our first conversation a living nightmare, but he figured me out, and gave me a chill pill. Thank God for a husband who recognizes PMS way before I do, and doesn’t hold it against me (forever). Love you, babe. (By the way, we just had our 10 year anniversary! We got a gun to celebrate the occasion. A 30-06. What does that tell you? 🙂 .)
I went to Bible Study for the first time in 5 months? I hadn’t gone last semester because I couldn’t stand the thought of socializing, especially on a somewhat personal level. For me, studying God’s word, discovering how it applies to our lives and going out and living it is pretty darn personal. I just didn’t want to do it! So, again, I didn’t want to go today, but made myself. I hated every minute of it. I just do not want to be around other women right now! Unless they’re close friends, then that’s great. Back in September, I was on the way home from Denver with two other ladies (who are great), and I got way to comfortable with them, and became way to vulnerable. I said things about myself that I shouldn’t have – things I hadn’t even expressed to my husband or my best friends. Ever since then, I do not want to let my guard down again. No. Thank. You. Dumb, I know, but mine regardless.
As subtly implied 39 pages back, PMS might be a blessing in disguise. I get out all of those crazy emotions that I’m to busy or unwilling to address the 28 days prior. Who knew?????????? (Someone call the N.O.W. and let them in on the news, ok? I’m probably to pissy to do it myself, and I surely wouldn’t want to incite a riot…)
By Jane O’Connor