Now?

I wish I could take everything I once knew about life and lock it in a closet.  These things:

  • Jeremy and I were each other’s everything and would always be, forever.
  • Our children who we adored knew our marriage and lived inside of that marriage; learning about love and truth and honesty and hard work.
  • We would never be apart, through thick and through thin, better or worse, sickness and health.
  • LOCK IT AWAY!  Before life happens and it’s too late.

It’s too late.  It’s now on me to move forward, this insolent life notwithstanding.  It, and everyone, expects me to move forward.  To get on with my life, stop pitying myself, stop spending so much time by myself.

How do I do that?  How do I make the choice to live again without him?  How can I possibly move in any direction?  I would be moving without him – what the hell?  Why would I want to?  I miss my husband who is gone forever.  I miss every single thing about him.  His smile, his snicker.  The way he walked, how he prayed over our dinner table and in our bed at night.  How he gave me a hard time about nothing and everything.  I miss his eyes, his strong arms and giant hands.  I miss his shoulders to lay on and cry on and rest on.  I miss his words and his voice, but especially his laughter.  I miss being held by him, feeling safe with him, walking side by side, hand in hand, always.  I so desperately want to hold him again, to be held by him.  My heart continues to break, every day.  Every night in my dreams, it breaks.  As long as I’m home, my heart is breaking.  Our house isn’t our home without him.  It’s empty, it’s callous, it’s dark.

What will Christmas be like without him?  The love of my life, my husband of 18 years was always the one working while I took care of Christmas.  The familys’ gifts, food, planning, decorating, cards, business gifts and cards, employees’ gifts and parties, etc.  The best part of all of it was Jeremy was there to enjoy the entire day.  He could just show up and be grateful and proud of me for taking care of it all.  His resting and relaxing and being with us was the best part of all of it.  Now?

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One thought on “Now?

  1. How do you make the choice to live again without him? Honey, you’re already doing it instinctively – you don’t have a choice. I’ll be brutally honest. Christmas will hurt like hell. You’ll see lots of happy faces around you and want to smack them. You’ll collapse in a sobbing heap next to the Christmas tree – that is if you even have the will to put one up. You won’t receive a gift from him. That spot at the table will be empty. It will hurt so, so, much.

    And then life will continue to carry on.

    I lost my wife two years ago to suicide. I never thought I’d live again. I took it one day at a time. Low and behold, I’m happy again. Different happy. I miss her – heck I sobbed like crazy putting up my Christmas tree for the first time (read about that on my blog) – but life is fun, I feel joy, I’m not permanently exhausted, I’m not permanently in a state of grief.

    I promise it gets better. Just hold on. Breathe. Eat well. Surround yourself with positive things and when you feel up to seeing people, make sure they are positive influences in your life who will enhance you, nurture you, teach you, love you unconditionally.

    Wishing you strength through the festive season.

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