Category Archives: learning curve

God is good. All of the time.

Friday, November 09, 2007

I, unfortunately and regretably, am an expert on this subject. I have had so much experience in this field, I may as well have invented the entire concept. Some believe that it all started with a shifty snake in a garden, antagonized by a foolish female, who was then followed by an ill-advised male. They are mistaken. I did, in fact, design what we will be talking about – sin.

Obviously, the above is not true, but my goodness, sometimes it feels as though I could have been the cause and beginning of the most shameful act that forced the rest of humanity into consequence.

I was talking to someone a while back concerning a friend of their’s current living situation. Her friend is shacking up with her boyfriend of several years. I asked this person what her friend tells herself to make this decision okay, to which she replied, after hesitating, shrugging her shoulders, “It’s sin. We all sin. I sin everyday.”

I was somewhat taken aback at this rebuttle, given the person I was having the conversation with. She is well aware of the affect and outcome of living in sin. I don’t believe she actually believed herself what she was telling me; that sin is sin, and we are all guilty. While that statement is true, the intent behind it is not. The premise of that shallow excuse to continue on as our human nature instructs was to defend someone she loves very much; someone she looks up to, and doesn’t want to chastise, even as a friend, and more importantly, a fellow Christ-follower. I seem to recall Jesus instructing the woman at the well, who was also guilty of shacking up, to “go, and sin no more.” He did not say, “go, and take heart in the fact that your friends and family are sinning just as you are.”

When have we become so flippant in our attitude toward sin? Have we used the word so often, had it shoved down our throats by preachers and parents, spouses and siblings, that we no longer understand the result of its power – Satan’s power over us? We go about our personal lives, not even wanting to recognize the depravity of the sin nature, much less address it in ourselves, then in those close to us. But, we have to! If we do not hold each other accountable for the sake of loving that person, and because we are concerned with that person’s relationship with their Savior, we are powerless to ask and receive God’s amazing grace. Without a repentant heart, our prayers are in vain. When a friend hurts you, apologizes, asks for your forgiveness, then turns around in the same breath and hurts you again, it is next to impossible for you to feel forgiving toward them. Granted, God is God and His Son already took all of our sin upon Himself, therefore our unrighteousness is completely hidden from God. But if we continue on in our sin nature, in our iniquity, in our irresponsible decisions, what is the point of Christ’s death on that cross?

Just recently, our pastor gave a sermon dealing with this issue, and I didn’t realize at the time how imperative it really was. His main point was “Until we measure our sin by Who we sin against, we will never have motivation to change.” (That’s paraphrasing) Do we have motivation to change? Do we care that when we live with and sleep with someone out of the context of marriage, that we are making that choice to turn our back to Christ dying in our place? When we choose not to care for our bodies and minds, we are taking the only mortal life we have been given by God and intentionally trashing it? When we lie to cover our own mistakes and irresponsibility, we are flagrantly telling those around us that we can put God in a box – using Him when it’s convenient for us?

Again, I am extremely deft in this thing we call sin. It is so ugly, so demanding, so entwining, so inviting. We can’t avoid it, as my friend pointed out. However, I do believe we can choose to either engage it or fight it with every fiber of Christ’s being in us.  But fighting? Fighting is good for the soul and pleasing to God – and OH MY GOSH, do I encounter grace and mercy when kneeling before the Throne. Do you delight in your depravity, taking advantage of the fact that He has already conquered ALL sin? Or do you delight in said mercy and grace, drowning in it while praising Him for such undeserved love?

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Fidelity

Saturday, January 27, 2007

“Fidelity”

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better
**************************************************
First, this song caught my attention by the amazingly funky staccato chorus. I first saw Regina on Jay Leno (I was channel surfing between all 4 channels) and thought she was very hip, very fun. Now that it’s on the radio (XM Flight 26 rocks, as does The Point 99.9 FM) I hear it often, and was able to actually find out what she was singing about. I so relate to this song!

10 1/2 years ago, Jeremy and I met and began dating, and it lasted quite a long time. 3 weeks, in fact. Yep, that’s me…I was ready for commitment. I didn’t want to fall for this guy, because I had my own life to live back in Missouri. I never wanted to be married, have children, or live in Wyoming. Those were the 3 basic rules of my life, translating into me, me, me. Obviously, God had planned otherwise (without consulting me first, which I found quite rude). Anyway, I broke it off with Jeremy after 3 weeks for 2 reasons: 1. He was moving way too fast (I thought) and was awfully touchy. Not in a take-me-now sort of way, but he was under the impression that we needed to hold hands everywhere we went (which was a lot of places, because I swear to you he must have asked me out every single night of those 3 long weeks), he thought he should hug me when he dropped me off, and he even touched my neck once. Whoa, hold on there, pardner. Obviously, you don’t know who you’re dealing with. I am the queen of “no touching”. And anyone who isn’t aware of that isn’t very perceptive…enter Jeremy Mechels. Reason #2 – I so did not want to fall in love with this out of touch man and lose out on my life as a single chick. A fat, depressed, searching, desperate, wandering single chick. All of that was very important to me, you know. I had major pity parties to throw, and I clearly did not have time to do anything but wallow. I certainly wasn’t going to allow some guy to come between me and my endless neediness.

So, (are you bored yet?) after one tiny week, I discover I can’t live without this dork. I don’t even know what it was about him that attracted me to him. He was overweight, balding, had no fashion sense, and he had HUGE hands. That was a major concern of mine while I was trying to tell myself prior to “the breakup” why I just couldn’t give him the time of day.

Very long story made abrubtly short…we had our first kiss (which was very wet and slobbery…why was I attracted again?) on the day we were engaged, which was 1 month after getting back together. 4 months later, we entered into marital bliss. I know, insane, huh? Who the heck gets married to someone they’ve only known for half a year? No one with their head screwed on straight, I’ll tell ya that much. The only possible explanation for our now 10 year amazing, wonderful, fun, sensual, spiritual, frustrating and exilirating marriage is God. We both figured out together how we were going to accomplish breaking our crazy family tree – riddled with divorce, half siblings, a hundred different last names and children caught smack dab in the middle. We were going to make Christ the number one priority in our marriage. And we were going to do everything within our power to center our life, every single aspect of it, around God and His will. I know we’ve failed countless times, but I also know we’ve been faithful. God has blessed our marriage tremendously for that, and continues to every single second of our relationship. God does know what He’s doing, soooooooooooo much better than us. We are so powerless over our tomorrow that we cannot even begin to fathom His amazing grace, mercy, will and sacrifice. I’m not convinced we will ever be fully aware of all He does for us, even living with Him in eternity. At that point, all of this will be forgotten by us. Forgotten and suddenly unimportant. Wow…

A Bear and His Boy

Today, my son’s heart was broken for the third time in less than a year’s span.  In May, his Grandma Rhonda died suddenly.  In June, he lost a papa he thought he could count on forever (see earlier posts for details).  Tomorrow, he will lose his best friend, his confidant, his companion in life – his cat Bear.  123

We will make the usually short but painfully long trip in the morning to say goodbye.  Bear is at the vet right now, waiting to be put to sleep.  He has kidney disease, and with his age (over 12 years), the deterioration of his kidneys and his extreme weight loss and dehydration, there’s really nothing we can do that will guarantee survival.  He had lost weight quite quickly about a month or so ago, and Jeremy kept saying it was the new cat food he didn’t like.  So, I finally gave in and bought different cat food, and he seemed to perk up a bit.  His hair looked a little better, he started gaining weight back very slowly over the next week or so.

Last night, I noticed his upper lip was swollen and he had drainage under his bottom lip.  I looked inside, and it looked like he had four absessed teeth.  “That’s why he’s losing weight!  He can’t eat!”, I told everyone.  But a little bit later, I thought to myself “Four teeth at once?  That seems pretty unlikely.  I think there’s something else wrong.”  Yep.  Kidney disease.  The absessed teeth were actually ulcers, due to high elevation of white blood cells.  He looked horrible.

sarah-palin-001

I watched in helplessness as Jonathan cried himself to sleep tonight.  I also cried – obviously I will miss Bear terribly.  But the real source of my tears was the pain I could feel in my gut as I stroked Jonathan’s head, lacking the words to make it all better.  I know how it feels to lose a beloved pet, as all of you do too.  It will cut to the quick for quite a while afterward.  As Jonathan sleeps by himself for the first time in years, my heart hurts for him and the mother in me wishes for the magic cure for heartbreak and loss, disappointment and tears.

My response to Eugene Cho’s prop 8 topic…see Beauty and Depravity on right

Michelle Says:
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 at

Here’s my thoughts – as scattered and quick as they might be at the moment.

Changing the definition of ‘marriage’ would be like changing the definition of ‘cow’. Calling a cow a horse doesn’t make it a horse…calling a marriage that is not created by God doesn’t make it a marriage, either. BUT, neither does calling a marriage that is flooded in pornography, adultery, hate, spite, anger, agendas and sin. I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I don’t really think it matters if Gay Marriage is legalized or not.

Because it’s legal under our judicial system does not make it okay under God. Why don’t we hunt down premarital sex, shacking up, multiple marriages and divorces and teenage pregnancy with the same venengance? What about excessive alcohol consumption, beating our wife in our living rooms, using our children as pawns in our game of life instead of human beings due the same respect as adults? Because those are such commonplace sins that bringing attention to those would bring attention to our own little ‘hidden’ sins we commit behind our personal closet doors. The sins no one knows about. The hateful thoughts we harbor, the way we eat our chocolate only after the kids go to bed, the purchase of shoes and purses that we hide from our husbands, the internet sites we visit, making sure we clear the history so no one knows where we’ve been.

My point is, it really doesn’t matter. Sin is sin is sin, and until the return of Christ, every single one of us is due for redemption – gay or straight.

Such a beautiful morning

I went into Caedmon’s room early this morning to borrow her comb and spray bottle. She was sleeping, and my attempts at being quiet of course made more noise than necessary. She awoke, but the most amazing thing happened. Not only did she wake up, but when I looked at her, she had a giant smile on her beautiful face. It was a smile that lit up her eyes and lifted my spirit. There was no apparent reason for her joyful countenance, but it touched my heart in a way I haven’t felt in a while. Immediately, her pearly white beam said to me, “Another day! How exciting! I can’t wait!”.

I don’t know about you, but I can assume the vast majority of us do not start our days with that kind of enthusiasm! For the past few months, not only have I not looked forward to the start of a new day, but I have dreaded each start, afraid to feel only anxiety and loss and sadness. I have very reluctantly dragged my broken spirit through every roller coaster of a day; either not feeling at all, or feeling so much I can’t concentrate or even breathe; fighting every invasive thought that enters my confused and angry mind.

Many years ago, long before it had a name, I began ‘cutting’ myself. I would carve tiny incisions into my wrist, just to feel something – to let myself know I wasn’t completely dead inside. For a few days this past month, I wanted so badly to cut myself again, this time engraving words of hate and anger and disgust. Loathe. Hate. Sick. Fear. Hell. Gone. Void. Dead. Fall. Fail. I could envision myself doing it. I contemplated how to go about hiding it from my husband. I imagined what a release it would be to experience the knife in my skin again, shredding away the unwelcome thoughts that trespassed.

A friend of mine reminded me that lamentation is one of many parts of worship. Another friend brought me back to Job, showing me where Job’s relationship with God was purely hearsay before God allowed Satan to destroy everything that was his life, less his beating heart. Job did not truly appreciate the awesomeness of God before he suffered through every adversity imaginable. He learned through writhing pain that because it was from God, it was good and flowing with purpose.

I am struggling without Rhonda. I miss her so much, I think I actually feel my heart ache. Jeremy and I felt so abandoned when we couldn’t be a part of her funeral. Now, it seems Papa Boyd is doing all he knows how to include us. Because of this, we are spending quite a bit of time with him. Wonderful? Yes. Without pain and agony? No. But, we are so grateful for the time he is giving us. Life is just different without Rhonda – she was such a moving force in our lives.

This summer, my family and I have undergone some fairly intense crap. My mother-in-law’s husband of 10+ years somehow decided he was going to come to my house to sleep with me. Ewww. We then found out he had actually invited me via note (which I did not read) to come to his house while Barbara was out of town, and had been planning his visit to my house for quite some time. Needless to say, my kids were crushed, as they loved their papa. That has been the most painful part of this entire drama. That he would do something so stupid, only to risk his relationship with his grandkids he adored? My mother-in-law left him, and is now divorcing him. He is no longer part of our lives, as Jeremy put a stop to that as soon as I told him what happened. Unfortunately, just because he’s not a physical presence, he is the elephant in the room. The kids don’t know exactly what happened, only that it was wrong and we are protecting them. I can still feel him kissing me, touching my shoulder, hugging me, stroking my face…yuck, yuck, yuck.

Life is full of pain. Full of heartache. Full of problems. Trouble. Affliction. Irritation. Torture. Agony. Sin. Only through all of this do we see the beauty of what Christ did for us on the cross of Calvary. The magnificence of His sacrifice on behalf of His creation who sinned against Him. The brilliance of God’s plan to save our souls through Love, not law. Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians how important suffering is to our relationship with Christ. Because we suffer, we understand Christ’s suffering. Because we fall, we appreciate the blood that flowed from His sinless veins. Because we hurt, we reach out to those who are hurting, expressing Christ’s love for them through His death. And, as I am going to get tattooed on my hand as a constant reminder, it is the ‘but nots’ of life that give us hope in Jesus :

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

We are hard pressed on every side, BUT NOT crushed;

perplexed, BUT NOT in despair; persecuted, BUT NOT abandoned;

struck down, BUT NOT destroyed.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus,

so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Nobama…McCanHe?

My son came home yesterday, ranting and raving about Obama.  Yes, you read me right.  A 10 year-old 5th grader was spewing political jargon all over my kitchen floor.   When asked how his day was, this was his response:  “Awesome!  We get to vote for the presidential election, and everyone is against Obama!”  He then goes on to mimic the many rumors that have surfaced about Obama, specifically the one where Obama ‘refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance.”

Oh, my gosh, did I come unglued.  Not so much outside of my body as inside my head, but unglued I was.  I told him those are only rumors, he shouldn’t believe everything he hears, we shouldn’t be voting against someone, but for someone…blah, blah, blah.

Then it hit me.  Hard.  We’re talking running-full-force-into-a-screen-door hard.  Of course Jonathan is thrilled ‘everyone’s against Obama’!  I tote around my NOBAMA opinion as though he has no opponent!  Just NO to Obama…that’s all I’ve got!   I disagree with his stance on abortion, energy relief and socialist-like economics.   I know 144 days in the senate doesn’t give him near enough know-how to run our country.

But what about McCanhe?  McCain?  Can he? Run our country, that is?  I must say, before Palin came along, I had my serious doubts.  My future vote for McCain was a vote against Obama.  The lesser of two evils.  (Not that I think either of them are evil, mind you).  The best of the worst.  Pretty much, the only vote that might count, being that writing in someone is essentially a wasted ballot.

Now, I’ve been paying more attention to what McCain stands for, what he believes and what he can do for OUR country.  The country he fought for.  The men and women he served.  The country he stayed true to, through beatings and torture and near-starvation.  He believes in the this country.  He believes in us.  He trusts us with our own decisions.  He wants to keep the power here in the United States, instead of creating some sort of Global Alliance, making us equal and dependent to Europe and China.  He wants to use our own energy sources – and now!  Not 10-20 years from now, after we figure out we can’t power our cars on extension cords and corn for any substantial amount of time.

And Palin?  She’s just flat out true to God, her country, her family and herself.  She doesn’t take crap from anyone, and she’s willing to fight for a worthy cause.  She’s not about talking, she likes to walk – power walk.  Effective and active management is what she’s given Alaska, and I believe if need be, she can give it to America as well.  Will it be easy?  Of course not.  Will she mess up?  Of course she will.  Is she ready?  Doubtful.   Were you ready to be a mom?  A wife?  A husband?  Were you ready to support your family through rising energy and grocery and insurance costs?  Were you ready to take on a small business and allow it to grow, through thick and thin, and make it a success?  Were you ready when your child, parent or friend died unexpectedly?  You weren’t even ready when you had warning!  Are we ready for anything?  Of course not, because we do not have the power to be ready.  We can only be.  As much as we like to believe we have control of our future, we don’t even know if we will breathe another breath in this heartbeat.

So, McCain/Palin, I’m voting for you.  Not because I don’t want to vote for Obama, but because I believe in what you stand for, and I admire the guts and determination that go along with your values.

And Jonathan, you and I are going to talk politics tonight…real, true honest politics – no rhetoric, no partisanship, no bull.  We need to discuss what’s important to our family, our country and eventually, every individual we have the opportunity to interact with.

Lack of service makes customer go crazy

K, so last summer, I got into this altercation with a store manager. There was swearing, yelling, threatening and all sorts of stuff I am not proud of. I had bought Jonathan a pair of Crocs, and his first walk across a parking lot, the strap broke off. So, we eat our dinner, then go back to the store to return them. Store’s closed. We are back in town Sunday, store’s closed. I wasn’t planning another trip to town soon, so I ordered a pair online. They arrived at my doorstep before I even went to town again.

My next trip in, I take the shoes and the receipt in to return them. Turns out, he had replacement little doohickeys, and could fix the strap. Well, that’s nice and all, but I had already bought another pair. Thus, the story ensues…he refused for about 20 minutes to refund my money, going so far as to tell me that ‘he is the return policy’, when I asked to see a copy of one.  Total jerk, and I was a complete bitch.  I’ve never made a scene (in public) before, and I felt so righteous in my argument with him.  Alas, when I came home to tell Jeremy ‘you will not believe what happened to me today!’, he was less than enthused.  He kicked me off my high horse, and told me I should have never done that – not as a person who professes Jesus Christ to be her freedom from such pettiness.  Hence, the letter to the editor…

From:
Wyoming Tribune-Eagle
Date:
August 26, 2007

Michelle Mechels

Burns

There we were, facing off over the counter, shoes surrounding us, people beginning to hear the argument. He, a not-so-kindly business owner. Me, a chick with a chip on her shoulder. The situation? A pair of broken shoes and the need for vengeance.

Lately, my most consuming pet peeve is lack of customer service. Go even further, and it seems a lot of stores have a complete disregard for the customer’s needs. (Say, for instance, the need for a pair of shoes to take you across a parking lot while staying intact.)

The shoes really have very little to do with this letter. As I was saying, it’s lack of customer service.

I have stopped shopping at a large discount store since the end of spring. Such a huge waste: All of that space, and yet no room to keep their shelves stocked.

My very favorite? Going through a drive-thru, only to find the entire restaurant is being run by 12-year-olds.

To add insult to injury, these adolescents have never experienced drinking with a straw or using a napkin. I assume that since they hand you a cup with a hole in the lid but no way to extract the liquid and pass you greasy fries without a method of clean up.

Back to my shoe guy. He didn’t want to give me my money back due to the fact the shoes had been worn, and, consequently, he had been able to fix them.

I had already bought a different pair online and thought it quite ridiculous to expect anything other than a working shoe while walking.

Long story short, he was rude, and I wasn’t happy. He had no business talking to a customer the way he did, and I had no ground to speak to him, even yelling at him, in the manner I purported.

I took all of my past year’s frustration out on this poor man-child of a business owner who was just trying to keep a profit in his pocket. And for that, sir, I am very ashamed and sorry.

(part 3of3) wake up maggie, i think i’ve got something to say…

He has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. 3The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. (Hebrews 1:2b-3)

Did you catch that? The whole, “through whom he made the universe” thing? Ummmmmm, I did not know that. I had no idea that Christ has just always been, and that God CREATED THE UNIVERSE THROUGH CHRIST. That Christ is the EXACT REPRESENTATION of God, that Christ SUSTAINS ALL BY HIS WORD. Okay, so I know about the whole trinity thing. I get how they are the “3 in 1”. But I had no idea that Christ is God.

Parts 1 and 2 of this blog were mighty blessings for me. It finally sunk in that no matter what happens in my life, that it is happening not only through Christ, but that He who died for me ordained such. Yeah, I know, we have free will, free choice, our own minds, etc, etc. I believe we have free will within the confines of God’s directions. I will get to point B from point A, and there are many different ways to arrive at the finish line. So, yeah, I have the choice of how to get there, but God has already written the days of my life. And yes, He knows (He is God, hello) which direction I will take. Even though He provides a myriad of choice.

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny[d]? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

31So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:26b-30)

K, so here’s the part that gives me goosebumps…I am hidden in Christ. Have you ever thought about what that means? It reminds me of Jews hiding their wives and children from the nazis (not a proper noun – a sick group of human beings), to protect them from being taken and tortured and killed in the gas chambers. Christ hides me in HIM. Not only am I protected by Him, but everything that’s coming at me? The nazis of my life? My stepmother? My depression? My pride? My ignorance and unwillingness to submit? He sustains it all through His word. He has numbered the hairs on my head, for crying out loud! And guess what – that changes daily…if He cares enough to keep track of my follicles, don’t ya think He might have some say in how my life is lived? Heck yes, He does!

1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.

2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

4When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. (Colossians 3:3)

He is in control. My job is to pray, listen, trust and obey. Life is so much better when I’m not in charge…

(part 2of3) wake up maggie, i think i’ve got something to say…

I lay awake that night til 3am, bawling. I couldn’t move a muscle, partly from fear and disbelief, partly because Jeremy was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him. All of the anger I had kept bottled up came spilling out. I was infuriated that this crap was coming up again. I was infuriated that the little bit of time I had with Dad growing up was tainted. I was infuriated that she could do these things to me and get away with it. I was infuriated that she could be hurting someone else.

For the next 3 days, I was obsessed with finding out if she had ever been convicted for her disgusting crimes. I googled her name, and felt sick when I saw it attached to my Dad’s. I tried to do a background check, showing any criminal activity. I paid for a 24 hour trial on netsleuth.com, which turned out to be a scam – I couldn’t get any information without paying additional fees. I actually found her on reunion.com, but without paying a yearly fee, or signing a montly contract, I couldn’t get past her screen name, age and location. I tried to get as much free info I could, using the alias of Kelly Smith, a 53 year old male from NY (don’t ask – it just came to me!). Finally, my obsession ended. But my disgust and anger didn’t.

I couldn’t tell anyone about this. I didn’t want to begin counseling again. So, I just dealt…til I called the IRS…

I was calling for the umpteenth time, trying to get some stuff figured out with our business and personal accounts. The lady I talked to ended up arguing with me about what could and could not be done, and I argued right back. Just like the woman on the show, this woman on the phone set off a trigger of sorts, and again I was back in my childhood hell with my stepmother. Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me? I feel sick. I’m dizzy. I have this emptiness in my gut – an abyss that has no end. I can’t do this…I’ve got to settle down. I’ve got Caedmon in the back seat. I just got to town – how am I supposed to get anything done when I feel trapped inside myself? I took care of one errand, shaking the entire way through. By the time I got back in the car, I was shaking and crying again. Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous! How old am I? I cannot believe that this stuff is bothering me again! Get over yourself! Goodness

I did calm down eventually, after asking Deb to just talk to me about nothing in particular. I couldn’t tell her what was wrong, but she did just carry on a conversation with me about the past couple of days, her kids, her life. It did help tremendously. I felt like an ass not telling her why I needed her to talk to me, but I really felt as though I shouldn’t.

This goes on for about a month. I would be a mess by the end of some days, and Jeremy would get dinner for he and the kids while I soaked in the jacuzzi. He would rub my back for everytime I thought about her and replaced that thought with my kids and himself. I thanked him for being so supportive, and assured him I was going to get past this. He knew I had been up late one night because of crap with her, but he didn’t ask any further questions. I felt so out of control of my emotions. I would cry at the drop of a hat.

Then we started studying Hebrews 1 in substantial depth…

(part 1of3) wake up maggie, i think i’ve got something to say…

Suddenly, it seemed as though I were out of my body. I watched from the ceiling as a man in a business suit molested my young teenage body. I stared in horror as I did as I was told. It all seemed very familiar, but entirely strange and frightening. The corner office with windows for 2 of the walls. The ficus tree. The bookshelves and desk, even the phone. Looking out I could see the escalator. I have been here before! What is this place? I remember the smell of the carpet, the vending machine down the hall, the drink that she gave me in the red plastic cup. Oh my God…

She did. She told me to wait there. I sat in that chair, drinking that red punch from the red cup. She gave it to me down by the receptionist area. I remember the marble look of the off-while floor tiles. The receptionist was young with brown hair. Pulled back. Kind of giggly. I waited near her desk while my stepmother got me something to drink. She went somewhere down the hall, past the young brown-haired giggly receptionist.

It was all coming at me so fast, I could literally feel my head spinning. My suspicions were true. I have wondered for the past few years if I was drugged – why I could only remember bits and pieces of things – why I felt as though maybe these things hadn’t really happened to me – maybe I was making up these memories. I remember things in a crooked sort of manner – actually tilted and askew. I remember dark. Tattoo. Smell of beer and urine. Looking up. Listening to the shower run. Afraid to open my eyes. Terrified to close them. Feeling someone sit on my bed as I slept. The bathtub. Pain. Indifference. Haze. Numb. Far away. Floating above my body. Hating myself.

Several weeks ago, I was watching a show in bed. Toward the end of the show, there was a woman – a bit on the trashy side, drunk, glazed eyes, cleavage hanging out of her polyester negligee. Watching her, I had this pit in my stomach; disgust that I had not felt in years. The show was over, I shut off my computer, and lay down to sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow, all of these tormenting memories came to me at lightning speed. I really could feel my head spinning, as I tried so hard to stop them from invading.

I had remembered the office since I was 13. In my mind, I thought it was her office. I had wondered why I had only been there one time. I couldn’t remember where she would have worked that she had such a nice office. For years, that office has been in the back of my mind, bringing up questions that I really didn’t care about, or put much more thought into.

But it wasn’t her office. She took me there. She gave me something to drink. She left me in there. I sat in that chair and waited – and drank. And waited. The man in the business suit did horrible things to me, and I sat on the carpeted floor. I remember the smell of the carpeted floor. Kind of musty and dusty. And it wasn’t soft living room carpet. It was rough to the touch. Rough on my arms. He was wearing a business suit. The few incidents I have remembered have been in a small, dirty, white-trash house, with a heavyset woman with stringy long hair and gross teeth. A shirtless man with a tattoo on his bicep and beer on his breath. This man is in a business suit, and we are in an upscale office…