family | fish in a blender

So, I’ve been blocked from my blog for awhile. Out of the blue, I can’t access it using my always used email and password. I’ve spent time trying to contact the powers that be, giving them transaction IDs to verify that this blog does, in fact, belong to me. Today, I decided, it’s time to make phone calls. You know, the dreaded “push 1 for English, 3 for technical issues, 7 for site access, 93 for your sanity” phone calls? I’ve been putting it off all day, cuz that’s how I roll. Why do now what will become a monkey on my back forever? Hmm. Let’s put it off further – get online and go to your website first, Michelle. Just in case. Welp, just in case was actually the case! Suddenly, it’s as though I never had any problems and google went straight to my dashboard. Guess that means I have to actually write…well, crap.

This morning as I sat in church with a gal I’ve only recently met, the pastor had the gall to point out a “word from God” for me. From the stage, I quote: “Michelle, you’ve lost something and you’re afraid of experiencing the disappointment yet again. You show up every Sunday, telling yourself that it’s enough. You haven’t plugged in yet because you’re afraid to be hurt by the people that make up this messed up community we call church. You stand on the outside, looking in at the connections and not allowing yourself to become one of them because it’s too much to bear, too much to feel, too much to be. But you’re always welcome and it’s better here. You know it’s better. Move.”

This pastor has been on the scene for all of 2 weeks – how in the hell does he know what’s going on in my head? How does he know my name? 3,000 people in the crowd and he’s speaking straight to my heart? I should turn him in for stalking.

I once gave my heart to a man who left it gaping open – raw, bloody and barely beating. Together, we gave our hearts to our church that I had to leave, due to hanging-by-a-thread heart. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to find a new family without my family. I know, I know, I still have a family. Caedmon and I are having a blast together in this new world we live in. But. Come. On. We went from a family of 4 to 2 almost overnight. Husband died and son graduated to his own life. Dad left and brother stayed home.

I’ve been very good at convincing myself that Caedmon needs to connect with kids at church; being scared is not helping her move on and build relationships. Come to find out (thanks, Pastor Creeper) I’m the one who’s scared. My fear has been holding us back from living in the church again and sharing life with God’s messed up people, not my daughter’s natural reaction to Mom’s isolation.

Lord Jesus, move me. Move me hard. Push me through the door, hurl me off the cliff and send me flying into your kingdom here on earth. Let me love and be loved. Give me accountability. Unblock my intricately crafted tomb. Yell at my sleeping heart.

Yell loudly, for I am deaf.

My son came home yesterday, ranting and raving about Obama. Yes, you read me right. A 10 year-old 5th grader was spewing political jargon all over my kitchen floor. When asked how his day was, this was his response: “Awesome! We get to vote for the presidential election, and everyone is against Obama!” He then goes on to mimic the many rumors that have surfaced about Obama, specifically the one where Obama ‘refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance.”

Oh, my gosh, did I come unglued. Not so much outside of my body as inside my head, but unglued I was. I told him those are only rumors, he shouldn’t believe everything he hears, we shouldn’t be voting against someone, but for someone…blah, blah, blah.

Then it hit me. Hard. We’re talking running-full-force-into-a-screen-door hard. Of course Jonathan is thrilled ‘everyone’s against Obama’! I tote around my NOBAMA opinion as though he has no opponent! Just NO to Obama…that’s all I’ve got! I disagree with his stance on abortion, energy relief and socialist-like economics. I know 144 days in the senate doesn’t give him near enough know-how to run our country.

But what about McCanhe? McCain? Can he? Run our country, that is? I must say, before Palin came along, I had my serious doubts. My future vote for McCain was a vote against Obama. The lesser of two evils. (Not that I think either of them are evil, mind you). The best of the worst. Pretty much, the only vote that might count, being that writing in someone is essentially a wasted ballot.

Now, I’ve been paying more attention to what McCain stands for, what he believes and what he can do for OUR country. The country he fought for. The men and women he served. The country he stayed true to, through beatings and torture and near-starvation. He believes in the this country. He believes in us. He trusts us with our own decisions. He wants to keep the power here in the United States, instead of creating some sort of Global Alliance, making us equal and dependent to Europe and China. He wants to use our own energy sources – and now! Not 10-20 years from now, after we figure out we can’t power our cars on extension cords and corn for any substantial amount of time.

And Palin? She’s just flat out true to God, her country, her family and herself. She doesn’t take crap from anyone, and she’s willing to fight for a worthy cause. She’s not about talking, she likes to walk – power walk. Effective and active management is what she’s given Alaska, and I believe if need be, she can give it to America as well. Will it be easy? Of course not. Will she mess up? Of course she will. Is she ready? Doubtful. Were you ready to be a mom? A wife? A husband? Were you ready to support your family through rising energy and grocery and insurance costs? Were you ready to take on a small business and allow it to grow, through thick and thin, and make it a success? Were you ready when your child, parent or friend died unexpectedly? You weren’t even ready when you had warning! Are we ready for anything? Of course not, because we do not have the power to be ready. We can only be. As much as we like to believe we have control of our future, we don’t even know if we will breathe another breath in this heartbeat.

So, McCain/Palin, I’m voting for you. Not because I don’t want to vote for Obama, but because I believe in what you stand for, and I admire the guts and determination that go along with your values.

And Jonathan, you and I are going to talk politics tonight…real, true honest politics – no rhetoric, no partisanship, no bull. We need to discuss what’s important to our family, our country and eventually, every individual we have the opportunity to interact with.