Tag Archives: church

Blocked

So, I’ve been blocked from my blog for awhile. Out of the blue, I can’t access it using my always used email and password. I’ve spent time trying to contact the powers that be, giving them transaction IDs to verify that this blog does, in fact, belong to me. Today, I decided, it’s time to make phone calls. You know, the dreaded “push 1 for English, 3 for technical issues, 7 for site access, 93 for your sanity” phone calls? I’ve been putting it off all day, cuz that’s how I roll. Why do now what will become a monkey on my back forever? Hmm. Let’s put it off further – get online and go to your website first, Michelle. Just in case. Welp, just in case was actually the case! Suddenly, it’s as though I never had any problems and google went straight to my dashboard. Guess that means I have to actually write…well, crap.

This morning as I sat in church with a gal I’ve only recently met, the pastor had the gall to point out a “word from God” for me. From the stage, I quote: “Michelle, you’ve lost something and you’re afraid of experiencing the disappointment yet again. You show up every Sunday, telling yourself that it’s enough. You haven’t plugged in yet because you’re afraid to be hurt by the people that make up this messed up community we call church. You stand on the outside, looking in at the connections and not allowing yourself to become one of them because it’s too much to bear, too much to feel, too much to be. But you’re always welcome and it’s better here. You know it’s better. Move.”

This pastor has been on the scene for all of 2 weeks – how in the hell does he know what’s going on in my head? How does he know my name? 3,000 people in the crowd and he’s speaking straight to my heart? I should turn him in for stalking.

I once gave my heart to a man who left it gaping open – raw, bloody and barely beating. Together, we gave our hearts to our church that I had to leave, due to hanging-by-a-thread heart. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to find a new family without my family. I know, I know, I still have a family. Caedmon and I are having a blast together in this new world we live in. But. Come. On. We went from a family of 4 to 2 almost overnight. Husband died and son graduated to his own life. Dad left and brother stayed home.

I’ve been very good at convincing myself that Caedmon needs to connect with kids at church; being scared is not helping her move on and build relationships. Come to find out (thanks, Pastor Creeper) I’m the one who’s scared. My fear has been holding us back from living in the church again and sharing life with God’s messed up people, not my daughter’s natural reaction to Mom’s isolation.

Lord Jesus, move me. Move me hard. Push me through the door, hurl me off the cliff and send me flying into your kingdom here on earth. Let me love and be loved. Give me accountability. Unblock my intricately crafted tomb. Yell at my sleeping heart.

Yell loudly, for I am deaf.

 

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String Theory Done My Way

K, so I’m obsessed with God being above, around and outside of time.  I love it when people shake their heads as though God could not possibly anticipate our next move, much less the rest of our earthly lives.  I always play this little game in my head (read on carefully, you’re about to peek into Michelle Strange-o Land) where I imagine how it would feel to be able to foretell my life, and all of the people who will cross into it or already have.  Case in point:

I just found out that (follow closely) one of my closest friend’s little brother married a girl who’s mom and brother I remember fondly from my childhood church family in El Paso.  Here’s the kicker – I didn’t meet said close friend until I moved to Wyoming in Jr High.  Our family had long lost touch with the recent bride’s family.  Via facebook, the dots were connected and I was able to peg her mom as Lynda Figueroa, the mom who lived across the street from the church in El Paso TX, whose toddler son we adored.  Here, now, is what goes through my mind as I think about how past connects to future, and how God knows it all along.

“26 years from now, this woman will have a child who will marry my friend’s brother whom I haven’t even met yet”

“7 years from now, I will have this man’s child” (referring to Jeremy and I knowing each other in high school)

“16 years from now, I will be blessed to call this overly-hyper-woman-who-my-little-sister-loves-but-drives-me-up-a-wall Friend” (Branda)

“16 years from now, I will have loved and cherished this girl as my best friend, who I’m standing in the registrar line with on the first day of college, from this point on” (Shell)

“4 years from now, this childhood friend that I just reconnected with will show up on my doorstep while at college, looking for a place to live” (Barbie)

“8 days from now will be the last time I see Dad” (morning before I heard about Dad’s heartattack)

“6 years from now, my friend’s mom will be one of the most important people in my life.” (Lisa, Rhonda)

“17 years from now, Lisa’s mom will die suddenly; my heart will be left with a raw, gaping hole”  (Rhonda)

“10 years from now, this nerdy football player and his wife and kids will be so special and precious to us as a family” (Eric & Gini) *i hate both words – special & precious – but dangit, sometimes they just fit*

“10 years from now, this man will speak with my dad about Christ as he lay on his deathbed”  (Roger Gribble)

“8 years from now, this man will almost kill us while driving through Chihuahua, Mexico.  If he doesn’t, it will be the raucous voice of Rush Limbaugh coming through the crappy AM car stereo”  (Bill Baker)

“3 years from now, my dear friend will leave me and never really return”  (Tamara Seal)

“20 years from now, I won’t know how to live without this stuck-up, obnoxious, blonde, power-hungry brat.”  (Tammy)

Oh yes, and her little brother will marry a girl who’s mom lived across the street from my childhood church…

My response to Eugene Cho’s prop 8 topic…see Beauty and Depravity on right

Michelle Says:
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 at

Here’s my thoughts – as scattered and quick as they might be at the moment.

Changing the definition of ‘marriage’ would be like changing the definition of ‘cow’. Calling a cow a horse doesn’t make it a horse…calling a marriage that is not created by God doesn’t make it a marriage, either. BUT, neither does calling a marriage that is flooded in pornography, adultery, hate, spite, anger, agendas and sin. I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I don’t really think it matters if Gay Marriage is legalized or not.

Because it’s legal under our judicial system does not make it okay under God. Why don’t we hunt down premarital sex, shacking up, multiple marriages and divorces and teenage pregnancy with the same venengance? What about excessive alcohol consumption, beating our wife in our living rooms, using our children as pawns in our game of life instead of human beings due the same respect as adults? Because those are such commonplace sins that bringing attention to those would bring attention to our own little ‘hidden’ sins we commit behind our personal closet doors. The sins no one knows about. The hateful thoughts we harbor, the way we eat our chocolate only after the kids go to bed, the purchase of shoes and purses that we hide from our husbands, the internet sites we visit, making sure we clear the history so no one knows where we’ve been.

My point is, it really doesn’t matter. Sin is sin is sin, and until the return of Christ, every single one of us is due for redemption – gay or straight.