breathe | fish in a blender

Total and complete elation! Complete and total devastation.

In my dreams, there’s a lot of confusion and wonder about where Jeremy is, what he’s doing and who he’s with. We’re not sure why he’s not with us, but keep a constant search (in the midst of other nightmarey scenarios where I’m trying to protect the kids from aliens, intruders, the government and even wild animals). Eventually, he shows up. On a stretcher. Or in his casket.

Then, the interrogation begins:

You do know you left us, right?
We had a funeral! We buried you! How can you be here?
How many times is this going to happen?
Why can’t you just stay here?
What should we do when your doctors find out?
Why are you here???

I’m not recalling any answered questions by Jeremy, in my recurring dreams. But last night? Last night was different.

We (you know, the collective of all of us, possibly including you) were outside a large metal building mourning his death. A Sonic carhop enters the scene. There were motorcycles, maybe even biker dudes. Some people were laughing, remembering Jeremy and his Jeremy ways. Some of us were frozen still. In shock. Not talking. Too sad, too much.

From the back, in struts my husband and Jonathan and Caedmon’s dad. Cowboy hat, 5 o’clock shadow, bright eyes and his swagger in full glory. I kinda think he had a stalk of wheat dangling on his lips. He was wearing Wranglers with a torn pocket and a turquoisey blue tshirt. His square-toed boots, a worn brown leather belt and all of the confidence in the world were his perfect accessories.

No one even missed a beat. He came up to me, put his arm around me, and I declared at an oddly normal volume, “We’re ok. It’s going to be alright”. Everyone cheered, smiled and dispersed. Nothing was wrong anymore. The kids were thrilled, yet none of us acted surprised he showed up.This morning, when I woke up to my blaring alarm, I was totally and completely elated. Then I was completely and totally devastated. All within half a second of waking up.

Deb came over for lunch today – or should I say she brought lunch today. Came over for implies that I provided/served/prepared lunch. None of those apply. Along with lunch, she brought Mik’s dog, Oscar, and Dan’s girlfriend’s dog, Porkchop. Confused yet? Goodness gracious, keep up. Anyway, I had not met Porkchop, and Oh. My. Gosh. He is the cutest thing, in a hideous sort of way. First time I’ve seen a bulldog in person…yes, I see them on tv all the time. I was so not prepared for what was to come. He looks like a brick house on feet, and walks just the same. His tongue is so long, it’s not even possible for him to hold it in his mouth. He literally had a stream of slobber running down said tongue – like his own little serenity fountain. But he breathed. And breathed. And breathed. And again with the breathing. So annoying! So loud! Such a noise that you cannot tune it out. Every single breath that enters that dog’s lungs and exits out of his mouth is a snort. Yes, a snort, as in “suuuueeey!”. Pigs are not this loud. Pigs are not this nails-on-a-chalkboard excruciating to be in the same room as. This dog never stops. That’s how he breathes. His nose is completely smashed into his frontal lobe, so the only way for air to get through is via his brain – and we all know how bumpy the brain is. Oh my gosh. Insane. You just watch. The dog will be dead come July…