Friday, September 08, 2006
You’re not alone, I once thought I was brave, but I can’t stop crying…
Current mood: energetic
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I’ve been stuck. Classic writer’s block. I have attempted several times to post some new blogs, and every time, I come up blank. So, I’m going to post a comment that I wrote in response to someone else’s blog…sorry it’s not new, but I hope it whets your appetite and stirs your soul.
Reading your blog has reminded me of some things…first, that you are NEVER alone. Second, when prayers feel as though they are being ignored, they very well might be–but only for the meantime. Third, sometimes our most cherished relationships come up out of the cold, hard frozen ground.
You know that you are never alone. You know that Christ is with you always, even to the ends of the earth. You know that His promises are always constant and secure. You know all of that. Feeling it is something entirely different. Feeling as though you are alone is sometimes the difference between feeling life and death. The worst feeling I have ever experienced is the feeling of being alone-by myself-stranded-ignored-looked over-lonely-desperate-scared out of my mind. I went through a time where I knew for sure I was meant to travel this world alone. Even with a husband and two wonderful children, I still felt as though that was my going to be my destiny. I didn’t feel a connection to any of my friends here. Shell was my only constant friend, but she was states away. I felt as if God must want me to feel lonliness for one reason or another.
I prayed and prayed and prayed for that cup to be removed. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that cup to be replaced. I prayed and prayed and prayed for my existing friendships to be renewed, restored or repaired. I cried to myself in the car, trying so hard to choke back the tears so my son wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong. It frightened me to feel so alone, because in the past, when I felt that alone, the only option I could see was suicide. I tried 3 times in my life-at 14, 17, and 19. The first time, I was trying to escape the hell my stepmother had created for me. The second time, my dad had just died, I wanted desperately to talk to someone about my pain, and the only person around was my mother. She literally told me she was too busy watching a movie on TV and I couldn’t stand that empty, gaping, burning hole in my gut after being rejected once again. The third time I was living in Joplin, had been working 3 jobs just to avoid real contact with my friends, had nearly lost my virginity to a complete and total stranger and could no longer exist in what I had made of my life. Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the world.
Finally, after 13 years of living in a semi-constant depressive state, I decided to change the way I viewed my life and dealt with my past. I no longer had the option of offing myself being that I had a husband and two children to care for. I started seeing a Christian Lay Counselor, one who was very blunt and very forward in her opinions and how she viewed God’s word. For the first few months, I hated going and left her office feeling more frustrated than when I came. Long story short, now 2 years later, she has become one of my closest friends. She has been the one person in my life who not only believed in me, but encouraged me to change myself. She has shown me, not only through her teaching and counseling, but through example, how to be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better person and above all a better Christ follower. She taught me that when I feel the most alone, that is when I need to look outside of myself and listen to the One who created me. Join Him in communion (not the juice and cracker kind), offer my heart to Him, plead with Him to be my Only. It took a looooooooong time to actually put that practice into place, and I still struggle every single day. I long so much for that human touch, that motherly concern and that closeness known between good friends. But more than my most desperate longings, God desires to be my All.
He gave me that wonderful friendship with my counselor-but only after I had chosen to lean on Him for my companionship. Only after, and then one year later, she moved. I go through rough patches when I miss her so much my heart hurts, but worth more than her presence is her spirit. There’s always a phone, the internet, and occasional visits to help us keep in touch. What she has taught me as a friend and a counselor has helped me to depend on Christ-even when I don’t want to.
I obviously don’t know the background behind your situation, but I can hear the hurt you are feeling. I am praying for you, that God would provide for you what you need the most right now-maybe something you aren’t even aware of.
Unfortunately, our churches aren’t always the ideal meeting grounds for our future friendships. Regardless of the building, the politics and the people, I hope you can find your way through the crowd to what you are looking for.